it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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