If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
NoShamevember. You game?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
