Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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