my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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