i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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