Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
