my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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