We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
