I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
