His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
