I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
