he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
