My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
