i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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