I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
