I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
