Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
