Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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