I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
