Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
