Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
