If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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