Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
