So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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