I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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