What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
