Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
