SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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