Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
