My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You need a sexual gate keeper
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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