I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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