I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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