im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
