Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
