come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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