He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
