You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Say something about gay babies.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
