seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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