Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
