in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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