we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
