He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
