I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
