if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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