Well apparently he's into motor boating.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
