how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Randomize
