you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
