dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
