I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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