Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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